“Healing comes in waves
and maybe today
the wave hits the rocks
and that’s okay..
you are still healing..”
To be honest, I didn’t want to be vulnerable this week… scratch that… I didn’t want to share my vulnerability this week but boy-oh-boy, did I feel it. Some days (more often than not) it feels as though I have conquered my darkest demons but then there are times in which I feel like the dark clouds of my hateful thoughts and self-sabotaging behaviors engulf me once again.
Through the years, I have found a lot of ways to cope and salvage myself from those dark days but I’d be lying if I said that they don’t still exist. And sometimes those days turn into weeks and as much as I wish (and some may think) that like a switch, those thoughts and feelings of hate, sadness and unworthiness can just be turned off, they can’t.
It’s not always a matter of choosing to be happy or choosing to be healthy. Believe me, if it were that easy, I would choose it time and time again. Who wouldn’t!? It’s a process, a diligent one that, obviously, I have yet to perfect.
But, instead of crawling back into the hole that I have, for years, buried all of those destructive feelings deep inside, I am (slowly) choosing to unbury myself along with the things that have so long weighed me down. Through this process I am learning to seek help through loving ears, to steer away from the things and people that make me feel unworthy and to devote my time to the adventures in this life that make me feel most alive.
Healing is not and will never be a linear process. There will be days standing tall on top of any unwelcome burden but as this week has unquestionably proven, there will be bad ones as well. However, as I navigate through each dark day, I develop a deeper understanding of who I am and despite a couple nicks and bruises along the way, I always emerge with a greater sense of gratitude for my saving graces that continuously hold their hands out waiting to pull me back in.
You’re writing is amazing, Paige. Keep up the great work!!